


maybe i just wanna fly

by orphan_account



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Anxiety, Band Cuddles, Calum-centric, Crying, Depression, I love him, Its a Thing, Lots of tears, M/M, Panic Attacks, Sad Calum, Sleepy Cuddles, Yelling, all the relationships are sort of implied, i love clum hood, i think, insecure calum, love love love, my boy, sorry - Freeform, sort of, the titles are oasis lyrics btw, these chapters are kinda short
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-11
Updated: 2015-12-11
Packaged: 2018-05-06 04:34:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,946
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5403167
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He meant to speak and stand up for himself but instead he just stood there and worried his lower lip with his front teeth.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. cause all of the stars

“What the hell have you done now Hood?” Calum lowers his head sheepishly, avoiding the guitar tech's eyes as he passes over his bass, a broken string jutting out awkwardly from the rest. Jumping off stage in the middle of a song probably wasn't his greatest idea but he panicked when the string had snapped. It had been bothering him all day, it wasn't his fault.

He meant to speak and stand up for himself but instead he just stood there and worried his lower lip with his front teeth. The other boys get through the song easily without him; Calum watching the guitar tech fixing his bass with a frustrated scowl. Calum's hands start shaking unconsciously as he notices the guy get more and more mad with time.

Eventually, there's a new string and the man passes the bass over. “Get your ass back on stage before you waste anyone else's time.” He gruffly advices the distressed boy, turning quickly to stomp away from him. Calum stands stunned for a moment or two, willing his legs to take him back to the stage to avoid any more delay.

As they continue the set, Calum can feel the eyes on him and his wet eyelashes as he desperately wishes tears away. He begins to spend a lot more time concentrating his instrument, or facing Ashton's drum kit instead of the crowd; deciding against the latter rather quickly when the eldest boy's stare becomes practically tangible.

After the show, Calum pointedly ignores the dressing room and hides himself in one of the toilets instead. He stares at the grimy walls and counts the drips from the leaking taps. He chews on his nails and tries not to leave them hurting too much. It takes about fifteen minutes before someone's actually coming to find him.

“Cal?” Luke's voice sounds cautious, accompanied by a gentle knock to the stall door. “Calum? Are you okay?”

“I'm fine Luke.”

“You don't seem fine. Let me in Cal.” Calum sighs and knocks his head against the wall a few times before giving in and reaching up to pull open the lock. Luke enters the tiny stall hastily and drops to the ground in front of Calum. He wraps his skinny hands around Calum's ankles and squeezes them comfortingly.

“What's happened Cal? Why are you sat in here?” Luke asks him. His eyes were blue, gazing up into Calum's. They're like the sea, Calum thinks; crystal clear blue - shimmering and crashing and churning. Looking into his eyes you could hear the waves falling against the shore, see the foam flying into the air. 

Luke leans forward and nudges his nose against Calum's knee, bringing him back to the question Luke had posed. “Just needed a breather.” He provides, leaning his head back against the wall but keeping his eyes fixed on Luke's.

Luke doesn't say anything but Calum knows that he doesn't believe him. The younger boy just sighs. “Come back to the dressing room.” Calum stays silent, cautiously nodding, not trying to annoy Luke more than he obviously already has.


	2. are fading away

The other boys were going out. Calum hadn't gotten an invitation, and he didn't ask if he could join either. He just wanted to go to bed.

He tucks his hands into his hoodie pockets against the chill of the evening air as he walks across the car park. He sighs as he finally reaches the parked bus, reaching into his back pocket to find the key for it that he'd been given. All he finds is his phone.

Calum digs through all of his pockets but again comes up empty. “Shit.” He swears under his breath, dropping his forehead to the metal door with a resounding thud. Tears of frustration fill his eyes as he sinks to the concrete and curls around himself.

His sobs are ugly and he's being pathetic but he just feels so _useless_. He could easily just text one of the boys or crew to get another key but he doesn't want to bother anyone else; because he knows that they will know he's crying and then the boys would know and then Calum would ruin their night out.

Not long later though, footsteps come thundering across the tarmac. He should probably get up but he just doesn't have the strength. Calum just burrows his face into his knees and let's his body shake.

“Cal?” _Michael_. “Cal?” His voice is loud in the silence of the night-time. Suddenly, the footsteps stop and there's a body on the floor next to him.

“Calum? It's okay Cal, please don't cry. Why are you crying?” Michael's words are fast and jumbled but comforting nonetheless. His strong arms wrap around his shaking frame and cold fingers slide under the hem of Calum's T shirt. Calum shivers.

“I got locked out.” Calum's voice is strained, and hoarse from his sobbing. Michael just holds him closer, nuzzling into his shoulder and stroking over his quivering back.

“It's okay Cal, I've got your key. I came back to give it to you.”

“Are Luke and Ashton waiting for you? Did I ruin your night? Oh my God they're going to be so mad-”

“No, no, no, no Cal calm down. They're not mad, they're not waiting. I told them I was gonna stay with you cause Luke said you weren't feeling too great.” Michael kisses Calum's forehead and Calum starts to loosen his hold on himself and melt back into Michael's body.

“Promise?” Calum asks as Michael pulls him to his feet and opens the bus door.

“Promise.”


	3. just try not to worry

Calum doesn't know what time it is. It could be seven at night or seven in the morning for all he knows. He didn't have a clue; he just knew that it was very, very dark. He could hear the other three boys asleep in their bunks, but Calum just couldn't.

He eventually decided that he couldn't just sit in his cramped bed any longer. He'd just go watch TV or something. He slips his feet onto the ground and shuffles through to the front room.

Calum pauses by the kitchen. He reaches up into one of the cupboards, standing on his very tippy toes. He grabs a glass and fills it halfway with water at the sink. He brings it up to his lips and just as he's about to take a sip, the bus jerks.

And the glass smashes to the ground. The sound startles Calum so much that he's sent tumbling into the wall behind him out of fright, shivering pathetically on the ground. The tears come before he even hears the frantic footsteps coming from the bunks.

The main light is suddenly flicked on and Calum cowers, covering his embarrassingly wet cheeks with his hands. “Calum? Are you okay? What's going on?” Ashton's voice is gently despite the panicked edge.

“I-I, I'm s-sorry.” Calum pleads, his voice quivering as he does.

“Oh Cal. You've got nothing to apologise for, accidents happen.” Ashton steps closer, avoiding the shattered glass and water covering the floor separating the two boys.

“NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND!” A scream suddenly tears out of Calum's mouth and he stands up wildly. Ashton looks terrified of Calum, curling into himself slightly.

“YOU DON'T- you don't understa-and.” Calum sits down again, closing his eyes and sighing heavily.

“I get everything wrong, I can't do anything right. I'm so useless Ash, why am I so useless?” His voice is barely a whisper, but he's pretty sure that Ashton hears him.

“Calum don't. Your not useless.” Ashton whispers back, slumping to the ground next to the younger boy and moulding into his side. “Please don't ever say any of those lies ever again Cal.”

Calum sobs. Ashton wraps his arms around his best friend and kisses his head. “I love you Cal, you mean so much to me.” Calum shakes his head but he doesn't argue.

They sit there for a while longer, until Ashton complains about a numb bum and cold toes. The older boy then lies a towel over the mess and leads Calum back to his own bunk, wrapping their limbs together in the darkness.


	4. you'll see them

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> https://photo1.ask.fm/599/664/600/2390003013-1sami0c-ar3gb68a3l75m6k/original/callll.jpg

Calum hasn't been ignoring the boys, he's just been, enjoying his own company. For a little over a week. Whilst still living on a bus and being in a band with them. Let's just say he's been taking a lot of naps in his bunk recently.

He hates being vulnerable in front of people, because as soon as someone sees that, they can use it against him. And he doesn't want the boys to do that. So no matter how crappy he's been feeling mentally at the moment, he doesn't want the Ash, Mikey and Luke to know.

Because they'll think he's _weak_.

So if he doesn't talk to them as much or hang around with them as much, then there's less chance of him breaking down in front of them again. Logic.

Right now he's taking a break from writing and recording in the studio and has hijacked a massive, orange, comfy chair outside behind the building. He's just curled on his side, basking in the afternoon sun like a cat and trying not to fall asleep. His eyes spring open when he hears the sound of the shutter of a camera. He frowns up at the person that decided to intrude on his peaceful time. _Michael_.

“I'm sorry. I had to.” He looks sheepish albeit smiling down at the picture at his phone.

“No you didn't.”

“Yes I did. Look at how cute you are.” He walks over and flops down onto the chair behind Calum, tucking his knees under the younger boy's and resting his chin on his shoulder. He slinks an arm over his waist to show Calum his phone screen.

“Look at you.” He coos, nuzzling into Cal's hair the tiniest bit.

“I look like a grumpy blob.” Calum scowls at the photo before turning away, pressing his face into a cushion and swatting at Michael's hand. Calum can feel Michael's frown as he tightens his grip on Calum's middle.

“Don't talk shit.” He mumbles into the younger's neck, pulling his legs up so the pair are curled up tighter together. “You look cute, okay?”

Calum just sighs and nods in agreement. He can't be vulnerable.

“Why're you out here all alone anyway?” He asks, his soft hands stroking slowly over Calum's tummy.

“I like this chair.” Calum replies, shutting his eyes again and letting himself relax into Michael's touch. “Miss me?” He's joking, of course. Why would anyone miss him?

Michael hums into the back of his head, kissing there gently before tucking his face back into Calum's neck. “I always miss you when we're not together.”

“You're such a sap.” Michael laughs sleepily. Both boys manage to fall asleep, snuggled together, until they wake up with a sleeping Ash and Luke next to them, to another camera shutter.

Calum blinks his eyes open to see Feldy smiling down at his phone this time. Calum laces the fingers of one hand with Ashton's and turns to glare at John.

“Sorry.” He doesn't look the least bit so. “Home time kids. The car's out front. Wake up the other's?” He waits for Calum's nod before going back inside.

Calum sits up, cradling his and Ashton's linked hands in his lap and taking a minute to breathe. Ashton squeezes his hand.

“You okay Cal?” Calum nods and waits for Ashton to wake the other two, getting a range of grunts and whines out of them before they're all stood up, shuffling drowsily out to the Range Rover here to collect them.


End file.
